Disrupt for Good as a Supercommunicator

I recently finished Charles Duhigg’s Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. It’s a great book in an easy-to-read style, and I recommend it to anyone interested in having better conversations. 

The part I want to share today is the importance of knowing what kind of conversation we are in. It sounds obvious, and it is a just a slightly more nuanced version of what we have all heard before: 

“Unless we know what kind of discussion we’re hoping for--and what type of discussion our companions want--we’re at a disadvantage. We might want to discuss practicalities while our partner wants to share their feelings. We might want to gossip while they want to make plans. If we’re not having the same kind of conversation, we’re unlikely to connect.”

The book's premise is based on the four rules of what Duhigg calls “The Learning Conversation.”

1. Pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring. 
2. Share your goals, and ask what others are seeking. 
3. Ask about others’ feeling, and share your own. 
4. Explore if identities are important to this discussion. 

For rule #1, Duhigg suggests three categories for the kinds of conversations we may find ourselves in: the “What’s this really about?” conversation, the “How do we feel?” conversation, and the “Who are we?” conversation. 

I have found this so helpful as I prepare for a delegation to the council of another city on behalf of one of the organizations I work for. 

In my first draft, I absolutely wrote like we were having a “What’s this really about?” conversation. I directly addressed the concerns that the Mayor had mentioned as the reasons for her motion. I’ve written dozens of letters on this topic, so that was a piece of cake. 

But as the public meeting date approached, I was reading this book, and I realized that this isn’t a conversation about what’s going on or even about how we feel. This is a conversation about who we are. 

It’s about social identity. 

So I’ve rewritten my remarks. I get my five minutes tomorrow morning. Talking about this topic this way is significantly more vulnerable, but it is also (hopefully) more likely to connect. We’ll see!

Another thing that helped me prepare for this conversation (and probably absorb what Charles Duhigg wrote) is my commitment in 2024 to staying curious. 

It is SO easy to think that people who don’t agree with us are idiots. But I have had multiple opportunities in the last month or so to practice staying curious and listening to points of view I may have easily dismissed in the past. 

Granted, not all questions are asked in good faith, and no one needs to tolerate hate or put themselves in harm’s way to change minds. But if we are willing to stay curious, and follow Duhigg’s four rules of learning conversations, we may find ourselves having very productive conversations that move things forward and help the people and causes we support.